Weapon of Foamy Destruction


Although an atheist I am a fervent practitioner of secular Christmas, so I like the opportunity to help spread some cheer. My office participates in Adopt-A-Family, which provides gifts for local families in need, and I always help out with that. Tags are put up for desired items: cash, gift certificates, grooming supplies, and maybe some fun things like a toy or kids’ movie.

This year I selected a tag for a Nerf gun and ammo. I stopped at Meijer on my drive home and gazed in wonder at the Nerf aisle. Such an array of spongy doom! Most of the awesome guns required batteries, which I thought would be needlessly cruel. I didn’t want to give a gift that would require a continuous stream of money to operate. With a little digging I found a nice, battery-free revolver.

The tag also specified extra ammo, so I looked at varying plastic bags filled with Nerf darts. Then I saw it, the most beautiful accessory I’d never imagined. It was a camo dart pouch (capacity of 100 darts!) that came with 50 darts. 50 camo darts! The packaging proclaimed this would be a boon to “your stealthiest missions”, and I immediately pictured a kid creeping down the street in full forest camo brandishing a bright orange Nerf revolver. Sneaky!

My smile was wide enough to threaten the structural integrity of my jaw.

Having accomplished my own stealthy mission, I set about raiding the movies on discount. This activity accounts for roughly 98% of my Meijer shopping.

As the cashier rang up my purchases, she suddenly asked to see my ID. She claimed it was because one the movies I was buying had an R rating, but I know that was just a cover. I’m pretty sure that super-stealthy dart pouch landed me on some ATF watch list. It’ll probably be worse for me if I explain it was for a minor.

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